Bridging the Double Empathy Divide: What Neurotypical Partners Can Learn

If you are a non-autistic partner in a mixed-neurotype relationship, you may find communication differences challenging, which can sometimes lead to mutual misunderstandings, feelings of frustration, or misplaced blame. This can increase the risk of relationship distress. Recent research by Jones et al. 2024 investigating the “double empathy problem” shows that both sides can struggle to read and be read. Here, we discuss the findings and their meaning for mixed-neurotype relationships.

Why Mixed Interactions Often Feel Less 'Smooth'

One hundred and two non-autistic observers rated the smoothness and enjoyment of non-autistic and autistic pairs interacting. Results showed:

Observers rated mixed conversations as the least smooth and enjoyable, yet they didn’t observe any drop in quality when two autistic people chatted. These findings were interpreted by the researchers to mean that autistic–non-autistic interactions tend to be judged against non-autistic norms, rather than mutual strengths.

How Perceptions Misalign

• Non-autistic observers often underrated autistic adults’ intelligence, trustworthiness, and social interest when they were interacting with non-autistic adults compared with autistic adults.
• Observers assumed autistic partners disclosed less than expected, even though autistic people report feeling more comfortable sharing with fellow autistic individuals.
• Observers expressed less desire to befriend or chat with autistic people than the autistic people being observed did.

These mismatches reflect a bias in non-autistic people toward familiar non-autistic social signals (fluid eye contact, fast turn-taking, layered small talk) when observing autistic people interacting. The biases led the non-autistic observers to see the autistic individual as having less social status. As couples therapists, we see these unconscious biases play out in relationships, which can lead to both partners feeling less worthy, undervalued, and frustrated, and unhappy in their relationship. Biases toward one’s natural social communication style are natural and understandable. However, these biases can sometimes be a hidden problem for the couple, undermining relationship satisfaction.

Although the findings of this study were based on brief interactions between strangers, there were no significant differences in intimacy, satisfaction, or willingness to interact again between conversational partners, whether their partner was autistic or non-autistic. Thus, the foundations for connection are there; the main challenges were in surface-level misperceptions, for example, about smoothness or level of disclosure. A deeper understanding of differing communication styles by each partner and a conscious effort to use strategies to bridge the gap are likely to lead to a deeper connection and relationship satisfaction. Below, we suggest five ways to bridge the double empathy divide.

Five Ways to Navigate and Celebrate Neurodiverse Communication

• Name the difference
  Talk openly about the double empathy divide. When you notice a misread cue, say, “I think I misread you just then. Can you tell me what you meant?”
• Set your own tempo
  If rapid back-and-forth feels taxing, agree on a pace that works. Pause before jumping in. Let silences unfold rather than filling them.
• Tap into your partner’s knowledge
  Invite them to share how they communicate interest or comfort. Maybe they lean back instead of forward, or they may prefer direct statements like “I’m enjoying this.” Learn their cues.
• Check in on needs, not norms
  Instead of expecting non-autistic communication such as “typical” eye contact or smiling, ask, “How connected are you feeling right now?” Use a scale of 1-10.
• Build shared rituals
  Develop your own ways to signal closeness, for example, an agreed phrase, a hand squeeze, or playing a song to each other. These routines can become your own unique rapport markers and builders.

Moving from Misunderstanding to Mutual Growth

The Jones et al study shows that mixed-neurotype interactions are not inherently inferior but are at risk for being measured by a one-size-fits-all standard. As partners with a shared goal of a happy relationship, you can rewrite the rules:

1. Recognise your own interpretive lens.
2. Slow down judgment and increase curiosity.
3. Lean into honest feedback loops.

By sharing space where both of you adapt and learn, it is possible to overcome the double empathy divide and build a relationship where neurodiversity becomes a source of strength, not a stumbling block.

Reference

Jones, D.R., King, K., Botha, M., Ackerman R. A., & Sasson, N.J. (2024) Non-autistic observers both detect and demonstrate the double empathy problem when evaluating interactions between autistic and non-autistic adults, Autism, Vol. 28(8), 2053 –2065