How Do We Create a Neurodiversity-affirming Family Environment?

Becoming a neurodiversity-affirming family is an important goal because it will assist all family members to embrace autism and/or ADHD within a positive identity frame, and help them to foster acceptance for the strengths, abilities and the difficulties that come along with being neurodivergent. In this blog, we will explore both the helpful and unhelpful dynamics we have seen in our practice that can occur for neurodiverse families. We then discuss how to foster a neurodiversity-affirming family environment that promotes growth, understanding, and respect.

Systems Theory and Family Dynamics

In systems theory the family is viewed as a living system where each member’s behaviour impacts the other members. Wilkinson (2011) provides a helpful definition of systems theory which is cited below.

“Systems theory is a conceptual framework based on the principle that the component parts of a system can best be understood in the context of the relationships with each other and with other systems, rather than in isolation.” (Wilkinson, 2011; p.1466.)

The theory emphasises concepts like interdependence, feedback loops, and homeostasis. Families naturally seek balance and when this balance is disrupted family members seek to re-establish balance in either positive or negative ways.

Parents and caregivers can seek a “norm” that their experience in life has taught them to follow and expect, but the norms of the majority are the norms of the neurotypical, and do not usually fit the neurodivergent family member/s. Trying to change the person or expecting them to meet neurotypical norms has the risk of negatively impacting their quality of life, mental health and well-being. Nevertheless, parents and caregivers naturally wish to socialise their children to meet the expectations of society, to assist their children to be resilient and able to meet whatever social context they find themselves in and whatever adversity life throws in their way. If they don’t practise societal norms at home, how can they ever prepare their children for ‘real life’ beyond home?

The needs of the neurodivergent child to be understood on their own terms and the expectations of the loving parent can collide, creating friction and resentment. Anxiety and hence rigidity increases. There seems to be no way out. How can we move forward?

Helpful Dynamics

Increased Empathy and Understanding: Neurodivergent family members often develop unique ways of perceiving the world. Acknowledging these perspectives can lead to a deeper understanding and acceptance of individual differences. Families that communicate openly about each member’s needs, strengths, and challenges create an environment where empathy flourishes. This open dialogue can lead to more flexible family roles and shared responsibilities.

Creativity and Problem-Solving: Neurodivergent family members often think “outside the box” and approach challenges in unconventional ways. When families are open to embracing these unique approaches, it can lead to innovative solutions that benefit everyone.

Supportive Feedback Loops: Systems theory highlights the importance of feedback loops in maintaining family equilibrium. In neurodiverse families, positive reinforcement, patience, and affirming each member’s identity can contribute to constructive cycles within the family. For example, when an autistic child receives consistent validation and support for who they are, regardless of their emotion regulation skills or behaviour, they are more likely to develop confidence and positive self-esteem, which assist them to meet their life goals.

Unhelpful Dynamics

Rigid Roles and Expectations: Families often have unspoken rules and roles that dictate behaviour. In neurodiverse families, rigidity in these expectations can be detrimental. For instance, expecting an autistic family member to conform to neurotypical social norms without considering their sensory needs or communication style can lead to stress, anxiety, and conflict.

Miscommunication and Misinterpretation: Differences in communication styles, especially between neurotypical and neurodivergent family members, can lead to misunderstandings. Autistic individuals struggle with reading social cues, and nonautistic family members struggles to read their cues. Without efforts to bridge these communication gaps, frustration, anger and feelings of alienation can arise.

Unbalanced Feedback Loops: Negative cycles can occur when neurodivergent behaviours are constantly criticized or pathologized. A child with ADHD, for instance, might be labelled as “lazy” or “disruptive,” leading to increased defiance or withdrawal. This, in turn, can lead to harsher discipline, perpetuating a cycle of negativity and dysfunction. An autistic teenager may be struggling with burnout, but her almost constant need for rest can be misinterpreted as ‘laziness’ or anxiety, leading to increased demands for engagement, and over time, eroded family relationships.

Creating a Neurodiversity-Affirming Family Environment

Fostering a neurodiversity-affirming environment requires a shift in perspective—from focusing on deficits to embracing differences as strengths, and understanding the challenges inherent in living in a world designed for non-neurodivergent people when you are neurodivergent. Below are strategies that can help create a more inclusive and supportive family dynamic.

Education and Awareness: When family members educate themselves about autism and ADHD, understanding not just the challenges but also the unique personality qualities, strengths and perspectives there is the possibility for seeing the person for who they truly are. This knowledge can change expectations and promote more compassionate interactions, as the very real struggle of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world comes into sharp focus.

Flexible Communication Strategies: Adapting communication styles is a powerful strategy in a neurodiverse household. This might include using direct language, but indirect language for other family members, understanding and accommodating sensory sensitivities, and allowing more time for processing information. Visual aids, written communication, and clearly stated expectations may help bridge communication gaps.

Prioritising Individual and Collective Needs: Recognising that each family member has different needs is crucial. A neurodiversity-affirming environment allows for accommodations without singling out or “othering” neurodivergent members. For example, creating a sensory-friendly space that benefits the whole family or adjusting routines to better suit everyone’s preferences can be highly beneficial.

Recognising Strengths and Individual Differences: Shifting the focus from “fixing” neurodivergent characteristics to recognising the strengths and perspectives they offer can be a valuable approach. This could involve supporting a child’s passionate interest or hobbies, acknowledging the creative problem-solving abilities that often come with ADHD, or valuing the logical and detail-oriented thinking of an autistic family member.

Collaborative Problem-Solving: In systems theory, every member’s input is important in maintaining balance. Engaging the whole family in decision-making processes and problem-solving fosters a sense of ownership and respect for each person’s perspective. For instance, rather than imposing rules, families can co-create guidelines that work for everyone.

Creating Predictable but Flexible Routines: Routines can be very grounding for most autistic individuals and those with ADHD, but flexibility within those routines is also necessary. A balance between structure and adaptability ensures that routines support everyone’s needs while remaining sustainable.

Understanding Emotion Dysregulation: In neurodiverse families, many or all family members can experience emotion dysregulation daily. Parents and caregivers can suffer considerable guilt for their own meltdowns and shutdowns. Acknowledging that emotion regulation is a valuable goal for all members, but difficult for some family members more than others, without shaming or pathologizing anyone for experiencing strong emotions is important. Re-conceptualise emotion management as energy management, and emotions as messengers saying that something is wrong, rather than there is something wrong with someone. Co-create a family Emotional Toolbox, with self-regulation tools in it that are volunteered by each family member, such as Physical Activity Tools to expend built up frustration energy, and Relaxation Tools to calm the nervous system and feel good. Learn how to manage meltdowns in an autism friendly -way.

Conclusion

In families with autistic or ADHD members, the dynamics are often shaped by how well the system adapts to the diverse needs and strengths of everyone. Through a systems theory lens, it becomes clear that positive dynamics—such as increased empathy, creativity, and supportive feedback loops—can flourish when neurodiversity is embraced. Conversely, rigidity, miscommunication, and unbalanced feedback loops can lead to unhelpful dynamics. Creating a neurodiversity-affirming environment involves education, flexibility, collaborative problem-solving, and a celebration of differences. By prioritizing these principles, families can create a supportive ecosystem where all members thrive.

Where To from Here?

We have developed a brand-new presentation, Autism and the Family. This presentation aims to help participants understand how autism may affect family dynamics and to develop strategies for addressing these, to ultimately create a neurodiversity-affirming family environment within which all members can thrive.

Learning Objectives:

• Understand autism within a family context, whether all family members are autistic or only one.
• Know the difficulties that can arise in confirming autism from a parent’s perspective.
• Know how the expression of autism can change over time, including the changes that can occur during puberty, and how these changes impact on the autistic teenager’s experience of life outside home.
• Understand the different stages of parental acceptance of autism and the effects of different parenting styles.
• Know how high levels of anxiety will affect an autistic person’s behaviour at home.
• Determine how to express love, affection and praise for each family member so that they feel liked and loved.
• Know how to create an autism friendly and affirming home environment to foster the autistic person’s sense of self and ability to enjoy their life.

References

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Cage, E., Di Monaco, J., and Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. J. Autism Dev. Disord. 48, 473–484. doi: 10.1007/ s10803-017-3342-7

Milton D, Sims T. How is a sense of well- being and belonging con structed in the accounts of autistic adults? Disability & Society. 2016 31(4):520–34. 44. Booth J. Autism equality in the workplace: removing barriers and

O’Connor RA, Doherty M, Ryan-Enright T, Gaynor K. Perspectives of autistic adolescent girls and women on the determinants of their mental health and social and emotional well-being: A systematic review and thematic synthesis of lived experience. Autism. 2024 Apr;28(4):816-830.

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Wilkinson, L.A. (2011). Systems Theory. In: Goldstein, S., Naglieri, J.A. (Eds) Encyclopedia of Child Behavior and Development. Springer, Boston, MA.